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Post by paulette on May 7, 2021 23:04:18 GMT -6
Just wanted the people who have known me here for a long time that my husband and I went into the hospital last Friday thinking he had another kidney stone (he has gotten them all his life). We left (on Monday night)knowing that he had blood cancer of his white blood cells. It is impacting his body's ability to make new functioning red and white cells and the rouge cells will clog up his kidneys.
I am in shock. I am up against mortality. I am much much nicer to him now. (These precious months...Willie Nelsen). Not totally nice; he is demented still and irritating. He moves things and loses things and is a little suspicious. But he is my friend and when I sleep beside him, I wake up and put an arm lightly on him to see if he is still breathing. There will come a time when he will not be.
I know this is true for all of us. I know that many people here have weathered losses. I know I am not special in my confusion and shock and yes, pain. I have lost friends - but they were living their own lives when I wasn't around. I lost an ex-husband who already had a new girl friend. She was cruel to my children. But he was seen out by a roomful of people. (More than he wanted I think - at one point he said loudly after not having spoken for hours, "Would somebody get my gumboots so that I can get out of here!" He found them not long after.
But my husband does not have friends (besides my friends). His family is not close to him. One daughter is, of three.
It will be me. And I am staggering under the load.
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Post by swamprat on May 8, 2021 7:45:16 GMT -6
You are not alone. Sending healing thoughts and prayers. Stay the course, my friend.
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Post by paulette on Jun 6, 2021 18:24:28 GMT -6
Things are/we are progressing. My husband is very frail, and sleeps more than he used to. I am growing more resigned. I have been in a fog; it is clearing somewhat. I have seen nothing overhead to distract me.
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Post by jcurio on Jun 12, 2021 6:57:02 GMT -6
You are loved.
(And i hope that, is distracting enough).
~hugs
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Post by paulette on Jun 28, 2021 23:45:05 GMT -6
Update:
Husband still alive - in constant pain in spite of a fentynl patch and increasing doses of morphine. Out of it or belligerent (to me). Now loves his care aide (she IS special) and told me I could go.
Wow. But I'm glad he has a kind care giver. She even washed my dishes - bowls and glasses from 3 daughters, one partner, two miserable grand daughters. We're all on a liquid diet these days. Still over 85 in my house - with various fans whirring, overhead and blasting straight ahead. I love her too...
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Post by paulette on Jul 1, 2021 2:19:43 GMT -6
My husband went into a state of agitated delirium. I called 911 and the ambulance took him away - me following in my car. He will not be coming home. It was painful to see - he ripped his IV out (big hole in his arm) and freaked out about anything touching his body. The doctor helped get everything off that was bothering him - including his plastic ID band. A emergency nurse gave me a hug. Small mercies.
He is gone - in just his slippers, a pair of jogging pants, and a T shirt. I'm be visiting later this am (its 1:18 now).
I'm numb.
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Post by swamprat on Jul 1, 2021 8:41:51 GMT -6
Paulette, praying for you and your husband.
Swamp
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Post by paulette on Jul 3, 2021 23:11:36 GMT -6
He continues to live on - without water. Lots of effective drugs though. I've been crying all day.
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Post by paulette on Jul 11, 2021 1:18:18 GMT -6
Terry died on July 10th, 1:30 am. I raced to the hospital to be with him as he passed, but he had been dead for maybe an hour. I hope he knows (somehow) that I meant to keep my word.
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Post by jcurio on Jul 12, 2021 8:17:36 GMT -6
Praying for You.
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Post by auntym on Jul 14, 2021 1:05:13 GMT -6
so sorry paulette...that is so sad...my prayers are with you...
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Post by swamprat on Jul 14, 2021 13:40:19 GMT -6
Praying for you, Paulette.
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Post by paulette on Jul 14, 2021 16:55:11 GMT -6
Thank you folks.I am beginning to assess the state of Terry's belongings - jumbled, half-eaten now stale or rotten food. It is answering the question where the gps, both house flashlights, 3 paring knifes...and I've only gone about 2 square feet (next to his chair).
So it goes.
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Post by skywalker on Jul 16, 2021 11:31:26 GMT -6
I’m sorry for your loss Paulette.
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Post by paulette on Jul 16, 2021 13:55:43 GMT -6
Thanks Skywalker. I appreciate those long-distance bursts of kindness.
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Post by paulette on Aug 6, 2021 20:20:05 GMT -6
I am still in my crying zone. I think of a time we took a trip and I was thinking, "Next time we come to Haida Gwaii, I want to...." Or our trips to the Fraser River. "Next time..."
Finally, there was no more next times. I hadn't expected that. And so I come across some back road book, or T shirt I bought somewhere (or he did) and I remember that day; it didn't seem special, Just another day bumping around on back roads. But it was special. It was a last time...
Crying not optional
Do you want to see me cry? Real crying - where there is a sob and then a wounded animal sound at the finish... The eyes scrunch and then spill more tears Too fast to catch as in that romantic novel No. Hot tears that turn cold on my cheek. I do not daub at them.
The clenched part of my heart softens again Re-healing itself, shaking out yet more, "I should and shouldn't haves," softening those that remain to I did the best I could
The tears cool on my face; no more come. Red-eyed, I return here; where no one dies. Where we might still see them somewhere if they do.
Each piece of his belongings I am touching now, until the end of my life or I forget:
Is lit by the blue: The trees still on the hills And the roads dusty; we were coated with it. Bugs were biting us And sometimes I was really irritated by you. Or feeling apart.
Now I grieve you as a pagan does. I make my noises and wolves across the river howl with me The crows outside this home are with me too.
You are gone I was beside you and now...
At the last, always, I did love you but had hid that well Yet knew that our hearts touched, at least for a while. Like everything that must stop. My tears stop.
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Post by jcurio on Aug 17, 2021 5:48:28 GMT -6
Beautifully written. Thank you.
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Post by paulette on Aug 17, 2021 20:21:33 GMT -6
Thank you. I'm still in the jaws of grieving...
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Post by paulette on Sept 6, 2021 14:35:57 GMT -6
Ohhh. I have clear moments, hours...I am so ALONE here. This am, 3 am?, I woke up sweaty. The furnance, the new furnance and new thermostat had been set at 69 (and not going off). Now it was 3 am and the thermostat said 73. I turned it off. Terry was an electrician. He could have trouble shot it. But now I fiddle with it until I have to call someone.
I went back to my bed feeling like it was floating in the middle of the universe, in some area of black matter.Impenetrable to my eyes. No moon, no stars. Silence in a cooling house.
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Post by jcurio on Sept 8, 2021 13:59:48 GMT -6
Paulette, I just said a prayer for you 💕.
We, are never truly alone.
So, why, does it feel this way sometimes??
I have a “new theory”, that feels very real to me. 🙄😉 I often think, the last few years, that my prayers to God are somehow obstructed. I don’t FEEL HIM like I USED to. Now, someone at my church might say that its because I have some “unfinished business”; something that I have forgotten to repent of. What does the Bible say about that? Well, it clearly says that Jesus took care of our sin, and that separation from God, by shedding His blood on the cross for us, all those years ago.
Very clearly. And then there are Bible verses that say nothing can separate us from the love of God…. Can’t I believe that THAT, is true also? That no matter what I have done, or what someone has done to me, I have accepted the ultimate sacrifice of Christ as the forever covering of my sinful nature. ____________________________
Simply put, man, or someone else, has really developed some sort of “mind control”. I think those of us here, have often seen “grids” or patterns of the airwaves, or radio waves, or electricity surrounding our planet? Not something that would effect the way God sees us, but affects how we possibly perceive Him?
Maybe not intended for that, but feeling ALONE, is a side effect?
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Post by jcurio on Sept 8, 2021 14:08:14 GMT -6
I just, sincerely hope, that you don’t feel alone every day. 🤗
That the “blackness” you feel around you sometimes, is just that perfect warm and fuzzy blanket. That the night is surely cold, but not star-less. That you just can’t see the stars because you’ve even placed that warm cocoon of a blanket over your head, too.
I wish for you, the perfect peaceful, slumbering quiet, that you can truly enjoy. 🤗
When I have such moments, I try to remember to thank God (or whoever you thank) for these moments all to myself. 💖
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Post by jcurio on Sept 9, 2021 9:23:37 GMT -6
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Post by paulette on Sept 10, 2021 19:31:34 GMT -6
www.telfordtoneffboyd.ca/obituary/TerranceTerry-EgeliPlan is for people to call them. But I'm happy to provide the info to people I know. Merville Hall, Sunday the 19, 10 - 2. I'll be there 9 - 3 or 4. Set up, clean up. Casual. Anyone who knew him and wants to speak is welcome to. Paulette
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