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Post by paulette on Dec 6, 2012 22:03:30 GMT -6
Good question. I can't answer that. The answer (by default) is they probably started after my Hawaii trip. But my gut response is - much earlier than that. There is my answer/s.
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Post by paulette on Jan 5, 2013 15:02:49 GMT -6
Well, some of you know (via FB) that I am now on a trial of a CPAP machine - basically a compressor that lightly forces air into you (mine has nasal plugs) so that one's throat cannot close off due to soft tissue flabbiness and therefore snoring with stopped breathing and jerking awake.
I was dimly aware that I snored and sometimes felt awful when I woke up. It wasn't until I started falling asleep while sitting up and talking to people (and driving) and literally could fall out of a chair that didn't have arms that I decided to mention it to my doctor. She sent me for a sleep apnea (not breathing) test and I actually thought I had had a pretty good night that night.
Turns out, I was in a state of not-breathing (smothered) 81 TIMES AN HOUR. My blood oxygen levels fell as low as 77% (at risk of brain damage, stroke, heart attack) and never averaged 90% the whole night. I was a zombie but it came on so slowly that I didn't notice!!!!
The techie (cute) who went over my data with me said I was EXTREME and I would have an additional test in a larger city centre because one's brain cuts out without one noticing it when the oxygen level falls. I am now breathing like Darth Vader with a machine that whooshes and pumps warmed moist air into my lungs (nice kinda). I sleep. I don't wake up to pee or drink water or listen to things that go bump. A whole crew of greys could be standing by my bed and I wouldn't notice (probably). My doctor almost pulled my driver's license. I have promised not to drive more than 20 minutes at a time until I am sorted out.
So what does this do to one's dreams? First off, everytime one stops breathing, the body jolts one awake with a surge of adrenaline and cortisone. The adrenaline is the flight or fight hormone and predictably I would think that one's dreams would reflect that. However the literature they gave me suggests that if extreme one doesn't dream much (it takes awhile to get to REM sleep and if one is interrupted maybe one seldom achieves that.) AND that people report very vivid and intense dreams after one establishes an airway at night.
My first night on the machine, I was trying to get somewhere and first my car turned into a bicycle and then the road kept deteriorating and getting worse and worse. I was traveling with my parents (long dead) and my children (long grown) and at one point I was on a bike riding over a thin board (like I've seen mountain bikers do). I finally said, "I'M NOT DOING THIS." And stopped. I said, "There has to be a different way to carry on." I then noticed a new unpaved highway near to where I had been struggling along.
Now. Paulette's dream theory. I have dreamed off and on for several years about driving to the ferry and taking it across to .... somewhere else. Often my dead husband was in the lineup with me, keeping me company. I really think I was dying at night. When people died in their sleep those around them thought - oh well, I guess their heart stopped. Yes. But why? I think I know why now. I would wake up with bright red eyes and think I was allergic to something. Or that that evil morning headache was a migraine. I was being smothered. Nothing calm and comfortable about being smothered in the dark. The body knows but cannot tell. The brain...may or may not know! The night I ran the test was not a "bad" night. In fact I didn't think it would show anything! What was happening on the BAD NIGHTS?
So...I'll be watching my dreams. I can only suggest to anyone here who is often poked awake by a partner or wakes themselves up snoring or feels tired and rotten all the time to GET A SLEEP TEST.
So my last dream was: I was floating in a warm ocean. I awoke ON MY BACK in blissful comfort, breathing and floating. I'll take it.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2013 15:57:47 GMT -6
Wow Paulette, I'm so glad you discovered this before it became something un-treatable..hopefully...your dreams will be happier ones now
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Post by skywalker on Jan 5, 2013 21:43:34 GMT -6
Very good, Paulette. It will be interesting to see if there is a difference in the content of the dreams. Looking forward to hearing about them.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2013 21:58:20 GMT -6
I'm glad they were able to figure out what your problem was. I've woken myself up screaming before- often I have no idea why... I have woken up trembling violently for no apparent reason- but I have never woken myself up snoring or gasping for air... I have trouble falling asleep- I have no trouble staying asleep thank goodness... I hope this machine will help you- it helped dad a lot when he was diagnosed with sleep apnea... he would fall asleep in his chair and also while driving on long road trips. I had to watch him while he was driving and when he'd fall asleep I'd yell at him, make him pull over and drive for him for awhile...
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Post by paulette on Jan 7, 2013 22:15:32 GMT -6
Another dream. Really I'm just posting this to have somewhere to put it. It is NOT relevant to UFO's , paranormal activities or anything else particularly interesting.
Basically, I was with an old lover and aware (in the dream) that I was married. I had to chose which I would put my energy into - and that included where I would live. I knew my husband was a good partner and I knew my lover was a very good lover. This seems like a pretty clear cut conundrum and one that most women face at one point or other in their lives .... go with the bad guy/attractive/sexual guy or the nice guy who really cares about one. I always chose Jack Sparrow! Who promptly sailed off without me.
I woke up thinking - this is a crummy choice. There has to be another choice. I have been in touch with various people from my past and here is my current musing about all this:
Some people come into one's life for a limited time. They may bend one's branch, knock one's socks off, change one's life forever. They are not supposed to be a partner (at least to that person at that time). Seeing them partner later (with another person, another time) makes some people crazy. But it doesn't have to. Ready for this?
It's just the way it is. If you want a taste of Jack, you do know from the get-go that he WILL sail off. That's what Jacks do.
My husband cherishes me. He is goofy and balding. He is exasperating at times and at times I am mean to him. Not vicious. Just mean. As in, "Why DON'T you have your glasses?" You know - the husband-wife mean thing. He holds no grudges. He doesn't compare me to Barbies or past loves or anybody else. He is for me. So at the end of the dream I thought, well I'm home now. And that's a good thing...
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2013 7:49:53 GMT -6
I like it that we can post our dreams here. The last dream I just posted had really nothing to do with the paranormal, etc. either ;D. In your particular case, I am extra curious (as others) about dream content with your new-found way to breath ;D ;D. I'm also wondering if you will notice an improvement in your short-term memory in the next few weeks.
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Post by paulette on Jan 15, 2013 0:57:03 GMT -6
I am continuing to sleep and breathe while I sleep. I am not dreaming (such that I remember). Interesting. Various details are still screwed up about all this - my doctor doesn't seem to have submitted a request for the all night sleep test. But the test I answered basically says I shouldn't be driving. I need to have an OK from someone. Even if someone hit me - my insurance companies (both car and medical) could disallow my claim. And I need to be APPROVED for the machine I have on loan - for one month only. They cost around 3,000$. I need my husband's medical insurance to pick it up and pay 80%. So it goes...
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Post by skywalker on Jan 15, 2013 9:19:26 GMT -6
So you dreamed when you couldn't sleep and now you don't dream when you can sleep. Interesting.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2013 12:24:24 GMT -6
It sounds Paulettte...like you had a serious problem perking and I'm just very happy someone ferreted it out before you did have some accident that permanently ended the problem. I have a feeling..you are still dreaming away..but you're enjoying such a restful and deep sleep (without breathing incidents) that you're not coming close enough to consciousness to remember them. With your quick mind..as soon as you are very used to the machine..I'm guessing you'll be entertaining us again with your night life Hope so.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2013 14:10:17 GMT -6
One would think that after you are getting a full restful night's sleep you would be OK to drive after being on that machine for awhile...
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Post by paulette on Jan 16, 2013 13:02:29 GMT -6
For sure Lorelei - but since it is documented in my medical record that I shouldn't - I now need to document that I can. Insurance companies in USA and Canada are taking advantage of unrelated medical situations (that are wrongly documented or poorly documented) to deny claims. For example - a woman wrote down the date she was leaving the country versus when she filled out the paperwork. She then got very sick in the USA and was flown back to Canada on an expensive first-class flight. Later the insurance company denied her claim - because of the decrepancy of a two day date conflict. Which had nothing to do with when she got sick. She owes over 100,000$. This was on a CBC radio documentary program on this issue. ANYTHING THAT CAN BE USED TO DISALLOW someone insurance - is being used. People who were told "you should take over-the-counter baby asprin and then had a car accident and the insurance said - well, you weren't following medical advice.. Were disallowed. Even though thought the doctor didn't say, I'm ordering you to take this." Or they thought that because it was a patent medicine that it fell within their choice to take it or not. Fat people are being refused surgery in Canada. I don't mean, grossly obsese. I mean a working woman who weighted about 220 and desperately needed a failed hernia repair redone. She was my friend and in agony. She died and they did not implicate her long-term issues which IMO caused an embolism/clot and her instant fall down death. She was written off as a fat alcoholic. She had 2 -3 beers most days. She was NOT deteriorated end stage alcoholic. That's what happens when something is in your medical records. I am now documented as "should not drive." I'm taking that seriously.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2013 15:51:42 GMT -6
That's absolutely horrible Paulette!! Technically I'm classified as "Obese" because I weigh almost 100 lbs more than I'm supposed to according to the BMI chart... I'm a very large woman- both in height and skeletal structure. While I was taking a human anatomy course back in high school we were talking about the BMI chart. I stood up, marched to the front of the class and told everyone in class, "I am Obese according to the BMI chart" and everyone started laughing and I just glared at them. "You are not!" they shouted. "I'm serious!!" I shouted to them and they all fell silent with looks on their faces like this Apparently I am not a six foot tall Japanese woman with a tiny bone structure and NO muscles whatsoever... therefore I am "obese"... I have perfect blood pressure. I don't have diabetes- as a matter of fact my blood sugar ran LOW when they tested me... i'm borderline HYPOglycemic because of my hormone imbalance... not HYPERglycemic... It's absolutely ridiculous!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2013 15:57:31 GMT -6
If I was Obese you would think guys wouldn't keep trying to get my phone number at work... lol... you've seen photos of me Paulette... do I look obese to you?
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Post by skywalker on Jan 16, 2013 20:18:51 GMT -6
Those government charts are idiotic. According to the government I am obese because I weigh 220 pounds. Since I regularly run and lift weights I seriously doubt that all that weight is fat. Stupid government.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2013 0:01:44 GMT -6
I am very very careful what I tell ANYONE who has access to a personal file on me. Employer, Doctor, Lawyer; even a vet ;D. When the school nurse has us employees fill out health cards like the kids do, I don't even give her my drs. name or my emergency phone numbers. The office has my emergency numbers, and in a real emergency they would call 9___, not my doc. . Now, if only I was more careful what I say on TEOR. ;D
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2013 5:07:18 GMT -6
I am very very careful what I tell ANYONE who has access to a personal file on me. Employer, Doctor, Lawyer; even a vet ;D. When the school nurse has us employees fill out health cards like the kids do, I don't even give her my drs. name or my emergency phone numbers. The office has my emergency numbers, and in a real emergency they would call 9___, not my doc. . Now, if only I was more careful what I say on TEOR. ;D Meh. I don't care about what I say on TEOR to be honest... What harm could it do? That's the way I see it- why would anyone be interested in every minute detail of a forum member's life? What harm could be done with this information when the person doesn't even know who the member really is in real life? Sleep apnea is actually a relatively common ailment... many Americans suffer from it... (including my father at one point and a hand full of my friends/ former co-workers). I don't think it really matters JC. Don't be paranoid! ~huggggzzzz JC~ ;D ;D ;D I luvs ya you know...
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Post by paulette on Jan 18, 2013 0:45:21 GMT -6
I'm going to veer back to the dreaming stuff. I actually had an intense dream that I remembered this morning after sleeping all night. (Maybe having a leg cramp that woke me up helped).
We were going down a trail (common theme) that went along a beach that looked sorta familiar (as dream places do). Then it got "edgier" with a fall away on one side. Kept going (as one does in dreams). Finally got to what seemed to be the end. The trail just fell away like a water drainage channel fall down to the beach. End of progress in this direction.
But we had arrived somewhere (new dream chapter). It was sorta a house - a tower maybe. The rooms were small and some people seemed to live in a hammock strung high above the living space below. It seemed like someone I was with knew them. I did not but was intregued. In the dream I had a strong strong sense of deja vu - that I had been here before. In looking back at the images - not in my waking world. Not that I remember.
Someone arrived who had an intense person aura and seemed interested in our arrival (maybe we were sitting around drinking tea or something). He was asking us questions and we were gathered around. I wanted to be there. The end.
There was something unworldly about the dream. Slightly Hobbity maybe except it was a tower not a burrow. I had a passing thught that it vaguely reminded me of the icky scene in the movie Fire in Sky when he was kinda stashed away in a beehive like structure. Except the movie was clearly a horror movie and my dream was move, - Wow! This is cool!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2013 6:42:02 GMT -6
Thanks Lorelei . My point was, being paranoid of what my "insurance" knows about me, and will use against me to limit my quality of life. I used to want to go sky-diving pretty badly. Then I had kids, so I was waiting for them to grow up . Now I find out that anything that happens to me while sky-diving is spelled out in my insurance policy as not covered. Obviously I'm not a risk-taker, so my next concern (down the road) is driving. What Paulette is dealing with here is a very real, life-limiting issue for a lot of people, including those driving that don't watch-out for other folks who are just having a bad day. And obviously it is just not about sleep apnea. Next thing ya know, Ins. companies will be notifying people that they can't drive unless they've just eaten the proper meal, because of driving on low-blood sugar. Surely you guys know that I'm truly not that paranoid about "bugs" . ____________________________________________________ Paulette- question to clarify: Was your sense of deja vu during the dream? Or were you experiencing that feeling while thinking about the dream?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2013 6:49:37 GMT -6
Nevermind- I looked back again and you specifically state that you had the feeling of deja vu IN your dream . Things like that intrigue me. It makes the dream more real, IMO. If my dreams feel real, I'm always looking for (during the dream) the one (or two ) things that are "out of whack". Otherwise, I have to contemplate that the dream is incorporating some actual memories. And then I go from there.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2013 12:10:04 GMT -6
Sorry JC... I didn't understand what you were saying again... ~sigh~ This is what I get for reading stuff after a long shift at work... ~hugz~ I get it now. ;D (I'm not a retard hehehehehe!) Paulette- I do get that feeling in dreams too sometimes where I often visit the same place- but only in dreams... like the swimming pool dream. It's always the same swimming pool and I always meet up with the same ex boyfriend in that dream at the swimming pool although I have never been to a pool like that during my waking hours it always seems "familiar" to my dream self...
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Post by paulette on Jan 18, 2013 21:38:41 GMT -6
Yes. Both Deja Vu AND the feeling that I'm slowly dreaming my way along a time line. So in one dream there was a tiny hole in the ground and I and a friend wiggled our way in (as I used to do as a caver).
To my surprise it was a large cavern system and some of the area was lit up with soft lights and there were hot pools in a spa like setting. No one seemed to be around and we floated around for awhile and then left.
Later (years?) I dreamed I went there and found the way in - but everything was dark and vacant. The pools were still there but minerals were accumulating on the floor and walls. It was like a sacred ghotto that had been abandoned or its keepers were no longer alive.
JCurio when you said: " And obviously it is just not about sleep apnea. Next thing ya know, Ins. companies will be notifying people that they can't drive unless they've just eaten the proper meal, because of driving on low-blood sugar.."
That's EXACTLY what I'm talking about. One has to buy car insurance and that insurance covers the driver, passengers, and people in the other car as well as repairs to either car. This is true whether the driver was at fault or not. If he was - his insurance policy pays and his insurance goes up. But if the insurance companies can come with reasons to not pay - its means more profits. And that's exactly what is happening here in Canada. Even if they SAY they will pay - and put a sick person on a direct flight home - the person may end up disallowed. As us boomers get older and fatter and have chronic conditions of various sorts - will we be left to pay for all our care - or not be cared for at all?
I had a friend who backed off a viaduct in Spain (she were taking a picture of some people and backed off and fell about 50 feet onto rocks.) She was broken (back, legs...and then contracted a bone infection while in the small Spanish hospital. Her kids came to facilitate getting home and the hospital refused to release her (while she owed them a lot of money). After pondering this and realizing that she might die there they KIDNAPPED HER in the evening - got her a a wheel chair, out the door and to a commercial flight before the hospital could stop them. She was cared for here because at that time, our medical coverage cost very litte (nothing if you couldn't pay) and was very very good. She walks with double canes now but tired easily.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2013 15:53:24 GMT -6
I'm glad they figured out the problem with your sleep apnea Paulette and hopefully you can continue to get the treatment necessary to keep it at bay. My dad had it real bad and I remember many times wondering if he was going to eventually catch his breath,,,it's scary stuff. I had to stay the night at the hospital a couple years ago for a sleep test because the medication I take usually causes sleep apnea but for some reason with me it didn't . The doctors were surprised that I didn't have it and said that it was rare for a person who takes methadone to not have the problem. They had me hooked up with wires all over the place.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 21, 2013 13:32:05 GMT -6
no worries, Lorelei! I look at it as a chance to expound on my vagueness ! For all other people know, you're doing it on purpose! (oops, now we can't do it any more). Every one knows you're the smart one! ************************************************* I always feel like I am being watched. As a child, it was very frustrating when I was alone. Not frightening; more like, "If you are there, why won't you come play with me?" However, being watched by an insurance company who has been lead to believe that they now hold the reigns, is more like a creepy scene from "The Matrix". I've been around long enough to hear the curiousity about people living longer, but being in bad shape- what are we to do with the "elderly"? Has anything been done? How many self-appointed human death angels are there? And the alcoholism, drug abuse. It's always been there, but has it decreased with "just say no"? Why do people begin to feel hopeless? Is this because they are steadily losing their freedoms? When my stomach had gotten so bad that the acid ate my tonsils, my doctor prescribed for me (temporarily) the highest, newest dose of what he knew of. I left his office with about 5-6 sealed samples and an Rx. I took the Rx to the pharmacy, and they wouldn't fill it! They said my ins. wouldn't allow it! The pharmacy offered to call my dr. Two days later the pharmacy filled a different med. Since then, I know of another person who takes the "new med.". She also had trouble getting it, and has hassles every time she reorders. There are people out there talking about "heart burn" being a contrived illness. For some, a side-effect of all the other meds they HAVE to take. I've always had problems with my stomach. Why did I become more aware, and more sensitive, AFTER I tried a heart burn med.? Sorry, paulette. I just realized how much more I can get carried away on this subject . I need a sleep test, my sister needs a sleep test (she even snores while sitting up! ), and my brother said he was going to have one last year. My bro got diagnosed with hbp around the same time, so I don't blame him for putting the test off (wary of ins. issues). Ugh. Tell us one of your cool dreams! ;D
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Post by paulette on Mar 9, 2013 18:05:31 GMT -6
A new dream. From a near waking time in the morning. It is, I realize, a familiar theme.
There is a man from my past who I once was close to. I don't think I am exaggerating in saying that for the summer than we hung out together we had an intense relationship. What made it more intense was that he was older (21 or 22) and I was 15 and turned 16. He was a musician and mentored me - played records for me to listen to, talked about music, and in general was (contrary to what I might have thought about MY DAUGHTER dating someone 7 or 8 years older) responsible and safe for me to be with.
OK so I'm pretty sure I've told various versions of this story here already but a micro-recap here: He showed up on FB, I wrote him, he wrote me, I wrote an more indepth letter than involved some questions but also I just wanted to acknowledge that he had been important me (and I wanted that from him). We both obviously had gone on to live our lives and have experiences and my knowing him was frozen in time. (In truth he is a white haired man whose voice slightly trembles when he sings - I know this thanks to FB). He's sent me a T shirt of his old band. We're good. Whatever I wanted to happen didn't quite get spelled out as I wanted it to, but we exchange info and share pictures etc.
However. I keep finding myself in dream locales where he is playing. It's past the time when I was 16 and he played on the beach on a restaurant patio. Now I'm various ages but older and he is (as he was later) famous. I want him to acknowledge me in these dreams. He doesn't. So there I am feeling whatever I'm feeling (different dreams different feelings). There he is, being aloof.
Last night was yet another chapter. I was at someone's house and it appeared that there was going to be a jam session. Turned out, he and his band were playing. There was a group of women who seemed to be inner circle and they basically told me to leave. THIS IS WHERE THE DREAM SHIFTED FROM WISH FULFILLMENT TO SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE INTERESTING.
I looked out towards a dark stormy ocean that I had my back to. It seemed like there was a suggestion that I could just fall into the water and disappear. I looked at it - it looked cold and I looked back at the unknown but snotty woman and simply said, "I don't think so."
She then indicated that I should move apart from them. Once again, the dream version of my old BF did not intervene with the women pack that were going to move me back. He wouldn't meet my eyes. I thought about leaving and then I thought - I don't know where else there is to be. Like, this dream ended at the edges of the room. There was no "OUTSIDE". I faced my nemesis and said, "I don't think so. I'm here because I'm supposed to be here. I don't know what's going to happen but whatever it is, I'm going to be here."
I then realized that neither she nor anyone else in the dream could make me do anything. Nor could I make the dream BF do anything. This of course is true in real life. We can't make someone love us (we can manipulate them with false words and technically good sex and bribes and of course, lies). But the dream felt like I was in spirit. We were all in spirit. I don't even know what that means to me. I was trying to push for acknowledgement - it wasn't happening but....the whole dance was one we had to experience.
In real life, I earlier debriefed the letter I had sent him with a counsellor colleague and he said, "If I got a letter like this from someone I loved as a young man and I'm 71.....I'd *bleep* myself! That's the man take on this: What happens in Vegas/the past stays in Vegas.
I don't know if my reconnection is useful to him or me but then again, I feel that anywhere we can make amends frees us. Amends of course don't have to be words. They can be signed T shirts or pictures of blue bonnets from my lost Texas youth...
And I have a few of my own as well. He always seemed so old. He was intelligent and liked that in me. But still, he was at most 22. He had many paths to walk down - some lead to a long running marriage with grand grandkids and also to Jesus. I found my way to here along my own paths -
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Post by skywalker on Mar 9, 2013 20:08:57 GMT -6
Sounds to me like your recent reconnection with the guy on Facebook is stirring up memories from your youth. It would be tempting to say you are having regrets that things didn't work out differently but that may not necessarily be the case. I often have dreams about things from the past like playing football or going to school or living in the old house that I grew up in. That doesn't mean I want to go back and do any of those things though. Dreams are sometimes just our subconscious mind's way of figuring things out.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2013 9:38:03 GMT -6
"He always seemed so old" . . . . To me, that means you really weren't interested in him as a "life partner" or even a steady "lover". Is it so hard to believe that women and men CAN be friends without all those other attachments? We are so conditioned by society to think not- that eventually it all boils down to something sexual. Yes, there will be temptations because of the nature of man, but the human will is also strong. Try and forget how you felt/were supposed to feel in the past. Your paths connected, and now were allowed to reconnect for a reason. Enjoy the friendship
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Post by paulette on Mar 26, 2013 13:18:11 GMT -6
I sure like the above comments because they suggest going out of the box - not seeing a relationship in the past as something regretted or even a sexual relationship that it was or wasn't. I really like this: "Try and forget how you felt/were supposed to feel in the past. Your paths connected, and now were allowed to reconnect for a reason. Enjoy the friendship." J.C.
I do believe this is exactly what I am working through in my dreams. That what was, might not have been at all what I thought. What is, may not be at all, what I think it should be, and finally, that should be's are the problem!
And with that another chapter - this one with an alien twist!
I am in my parents' home looking out a window (that actually didn't exist) at the night sky. A bright green fire ball archs low across the sky and seems to land VERY closeby. There is no fear at that moment but I continue to watch and see movement in the bushes and on the edges of our lawn. There are also clicking noises in the direction of the movement. Apprehension grows.
I see an ant-like being that is about 2 - 3' tall. It is making the clicking and there are others. They seem to be moving towards the house. I duck down from the window and creep into the rest of the house, locking the doors. It's funny - I'm not a child in this dream, but I seem to know that back then we didn't automatically lock our doors - nobody did in our small town that I knew anyway. I'm not sure that locking the doors will be enough. I even lock the door from our living room to the garage.
As the dream moves on...there is sense of having to get away from something outside of the ordinary. It never smashes its way in although I'm afraid it will...
A change of setting: I am now in my childhood bed and I realize that I have left behind or given my diary to (yes I know, I'm still on it) the boyfriend or whatever of my youth. I wonder if he will read it and if so, if I will reveal too much. He hands it back (somehow). I look and see that there is an envelope that I don't open and also a picture of him in his youth (the person I knew). Which means the person who handed it back was a present version. (The person I am communicating with now). When I woke up, I immediate thought, "Did I keep a diary?" It seems like I started one and then forgot about it. But it was such an immediate thought, "Where did it go? Who ended up reading it?"
OK. Moving away from the threatening ant people into the last chapter (no I was not drinking nor watching old sci-fi ant movies on the TV last night), I am in a building which I understand in the dream, harder to explain now, was a building that people lived in but now we are in an in-between place and it is just a structure that we can wander through - ah, I'll try again. It is not in our reality completely or we are not in its reality and so it is concrete and exposed re-bar and no humanity. Behind the scenes so to speak. I am with, (yup) the old friend, and in this version we are both our respective ages. Him gray haired, me red haired but gray underneath). We are fleeing something. They come after us - in the quise of people who are not-quite people. A little too spindly and pale, eyes a little too glittering. One is a little girl. She has those curls Mom would have preferred for her girl child (and attempted to create on me -with horrible frizzy results - with a home permanent). Bouncing dark blonde curls and tendrils. She is intent on closing in on me and touching me. We are dodging them (he seems to dodging a spindly woman) and seem to be in accord that THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING. Finally back to the wall, I go up to thelittle girl and to both of our surprise, embrace her. She says (somewhat menancingly) "Now what do you think is going to happen?" I say, "This is where I tell you I love you." And I did. (tears upon typing this). She backs up and appraises me and says, "OK." And disappears.
I lean back against the chest of my old friend (whose been in his own struggle) and say, "I just need a moment of creature comfort here". We rest together calmly and then the dream leaves me on the shore of my current life.
My immediate thoughts upon awakening. Where IS that diary? Then I realized the dream version diary had pictures of him as a youth in it (and he currently is posting all kinds of them - him on his dirt bike younger than when I knew him, him winning a contest playing banjo after I knew him...I've got the pictures!) The envelope that I didn't open in the dream - is not open, but the information is available without anything being read. When he posts pictures of himself, some people comment "Cool bike". NOBODY comments, "Ah, I remember you then and we..." NOBODY out of the whole FB galaxy. I remember him at a young age. Not as a once famous R&R drummer - but as a young free man living on the beach playing to a beach crowd as a small hero and being a seeker.
We/I am traveling back and forth in time, witnessing things differently and surrendering and letting go, to use a phrase I heard recently. Of the shoulds and coulds and shouldn'ts and couldn'ts. I have no doubt that that child was an aspect of myself - a hated dopplerganger - the child my Mom wanted versus the one I was. When I tried to please her and my father by being someone that did not feel like me, I hated her/me. But she was desperate to be loved - however that had to happen! So THAT was the powerful moment in the dream. Not a zombie - unless zombies are those disallowed parts of ourselves that lurch after us, wanting life. Wanting love. Not a vampire who would suck out my life essence. Just a lost desperate little girl who possibly became incarcerated in some part of my mind. Always present, never acknowledged. If you think this sounds a little like MPD (multiple personality...) so do I. But I also think it is more common and less frightening than to be a disorder (unless it takes over one's life). The Inner Child movement capitalized on this theory - its not mine to claim. Inner Children always seemed to need encouragement or hugs. Well yeah!
And that's what I dreamed this morning...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2013 14:04:07 GMT -6
Yes paulette. It definitely seems like your subconscious mind is trying to work out the connection between the past and the present...
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Post by paulette on Mar 28, 2013 8:44:45 GMT -6
Another flick of a dream, retained upon awakening - "Yes of course I'm time traveling!" Spoken in an exasperated male voice - like some teacher that has been trying to walk one through a math problem and the person who isn't learning it keeps balking at the = sign or looking out the window. Ha! I KNEW IT.
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