My current state of being

[paulette]

This has nothing to do with aliens or UFOs or anything metaphysical. Although I was curled up in bed reading Aliens Answer.

Someone let all the air out of the room... Suddenly I was gasping for breath. Well yeah, it was a panic attack. I knew that. I had experienced a couple of them - one in an MRI machine about 15 years ago. My head was clamped in, my shoulders rolled in so that I fit inside, and there was the howling electrical noises. I ran out of air in there and had to go so deep that I actually fell asleep.

Then there was the time I was leading the pitch climbing out on a cave with a almost horizontal crack - except not quite horizontal - it had about a 5 degree dip to the left and pinched off there. Without thinking I just kept trending left until suddenly I was stuck. I mean I wasn't crawling, I had been inching. I yelled "Get me out" and flopped around a bit when there was a very studiedly quiet voice from behind me that said, "We're behind you Paulette. We can't get you out. And we won't get out either unless you get yourself out of the crack."

Wow. Reality. Well this one - in my bed, with Steve book in my hand - was just as bad although I didn't need to get myself anywhere except back to sanity. Calm mind...calm mind...etc.

I think its about the stress I'm under with my husband still affected. Everyone wants us to be fine (and keeps asking if we are). I'm not fine. I'm worried that he is going to be content to do nothing for the foreseeable future. Like a swimmer who paddles away from the tossed life ring. He is happy in his recliner, watching TV all day and basically deteriorating. It is not a problem for him.

So it goes. I hope tonight will be uneventful and that I will just breathe myself to sleep peaceably.

And when I finish the book, I'm going to make lists. How many other aliens that Hans refers to and their characteristics. Where in the Galaxy he and they are from (if he says).

Han's specific physiology. I mean he likes apples. Stuff like that.

Han's beliefs. As much as he reviews them.

The plans anyone might have for us (or did in the past).

Stuff like that. That will give me something else to think about.

Goodnight then...

[skywalker]

What page were you reading when you panicked? Could something there have triggered it?

[Deleted]

Paulette..I'm not trying to minimize what you feel in the slightest but I'd like to share something if I may. My husband IS content to sit there and just let life dance around him. There has come a point and place in his life to where this is acceptable. He's not running quantum equations in his head like Stephen Hawking..he's sitting there watching tv from 8 am to 11 pm...each day every day. Oh he eats and smokes too. For a very long time I was crippled by this. Emotionally. I was hurt and frustrated that he wouldn't help himself because in becoming this inert object..he totally changed my life too. I am afraid to go far away because I keep waiting for the stroke that is coming and I don't want him to be alone and afraid. I never am gone for more than a couple of hours at a time. He could get up and feed himself..he showers..every 7 days or so but that day will come and life will change again. I had to find a place within myself..where I could acknowledge this is what it is...now. It's him moving forward on his path..in whatever way is given to him to do so. I may hate it..but it IS. Saddest of all. He adored his father and when he retired..he sat down and started this exact process. My husband said at the time..'if I ever get that way..just shoot me' and he really looked down on his dad for that. Paulette I don't know how you feel about a supreme being ( I call him God ) but I have come to a conclusion born by my great old age We will be exactly where we need to be..when we need to be there..and my spidey sense tells me there are many things yet ahead for you.

[skywalker]

That unfortunately is what some people do when they don't have anything to look forward to in life. They get beaten down by life's disappointments until they just don't care anymore. I guess I'm "lucky" in a way...I had such a miserable life when I was young that I got all of my disappointments out of the way early. Now I'm happy just to be alive and to be able to do some of the things I enjoy doing. It sounds like your husbands need to find a hobby rather than just waste away. Doing anything would be better than doing nothing.

[paulette]

Thank you JoKelly and Skywalker. We (Terry and I) went to our doctor today and she listened and gave him a return to work date! Second week in August. If he can't he can't. But he needs to try. She mentioned diffuse brain damage and that it particularly affects initiative. She told me to come in if my itchiness turns into a break out or if I continue to have panic attacks. I had researched "ideopathic skin rashes" and found dishydrosis - something I had while almost flunking out my first semester in University - I mentioned the itching and what it had looked like earlier, and she IMMEDIATELY SAID the correct word. And agreed that emotions were part of the picture. I felt she listened to me and came up with a plan.

As for Steve's book - I was around page 146 - 148 - The Annanaki remarks. I've have a draw to reading Sitchin and Lawrence about them. Supposedly they are NOT Han's crew. And there are other aliens more likely to abduct without worrying about the consequences to their captives. Supposedly not Han's crew. So what's the deal with Han's crew? That why I need to make point form notes on the material in the book and sort out who is who (as much as possible).

I was quite struck by the description of the broadcasting device put into abductees (earlier in book). That the trackers have to come get close to the trackees. So many many dreams of ships floating high above and then dropping silently to hover over a house. My house. Me! And I SAW a smallish blimp like ship hovering over a house in Austin in about 1972 as I rode by on my bicycle one night on the way to work. I told a friend - it was obviously tied to the house because it was so low and so unmoving and he looked at me and said, "Paulette, blimps aren't tied to peoples' backyards in surburbia. That was a UFO." And then for moment I knew that was true and that it didn't exactly look like a bimp in my mind after he said that.

But whether I've been abducted (or not) or whether they are floating around doing their thing at night (or not) I no longer think they are interested in ME. Not so special at 66. And my kids (now adults) have had no further experiences of strangeness - and I think they would tell me.

But thank you thank you all.

So yes I have things to flash on and freak with. But I still think this was more earth related.

[Deleted]

just saying. . . about page 140 in Steve's book I HAD to take a break. And, I've also contemplated making "lists" to match my dog-ears on the book.
Also, last night I had a couple of dreams where I could not breath. It was temporary, but still un-nerving.

I think that's good to give your husband a "goal" like going back to work. I just hope that if it doesn't work out (at that date) he doesn't get discouraged! We seem to think that with todays technology that people should heal faster (including myself). I'm pretty sure that even effects of anesthesia stay in the body for 6 mo.
You may have a really "weird" summer and fall, but someone should be encouraging you for next year unless they can prove certain damages.

[paulette]

We were back at the hospital today - he disclosed to a public health nurse that he had been feeling "random tight feelings" in his chest but didn't feel that was important. It was to the nurse - he promptly called an ambulance.

At the hospital his readings came out OK but he's scheduled for a stress test tomorrow. And they issued him a nitro sprayer.

Maybe I had reason to be worried.

Yeah...everything is a bit muddled up right now for me. One day at a time.

[Deleted]

yep..one day at a time.

[paulette]

I have finally looked up some of the information we looked at together at the Nursing Centre (before he went to the hospital from there by ambulance.) He had a STEMI - that is by definition a severe heart attack in which significant parts of the heart muscle is killed. The rest of the heart has to do the work without the muscle action of that part - which forms fibrous/stiff tissue. Adequate pumping is problematic.

No one told me any of that. I was mad at him because he wasn't enthusiastic about returning to work! At the last stress test we were curtly told (in the hall, in front of other people) that he had "a big problem" that required additional tests and they would call me. They haven't. The Nursing Centre didn't either. I went and talked to his doctor that day who waid she was "surprised" that he wasn't progressing.

These heart attacks are the most severe and the most likely to have complications (including additional heart attacks). Why didn't we know??? I sure wouldn't have nagged at him about feeling low energy. Why was his doctor so off-hand about it? Go home and walk...

I'm sorry to go on here because this is not a health blog. But about trauma then - I hadn't thought about this for years, but my Dad had serious heart disease (a leaking valve that eventually was surgically repaired and a pace maker put in). My Mom used to say when I was loud or mean-mouthed, "Do you want to kill your father!" That threat hung over my heart during my childhood. And also he died in her bed (I was a young adult) and my brother gave me a report of her calling him (screaming) when she discovered him dead and then her screaming and grabbing at the ambulance guys (who were basically just hauling him away)- begging them to work on him.

I always had some distain about this story and my crazy mother. Now I'm in a different place - I feel like screaming at the doctor in the hall, calling his office and screaming, screaming at the Nursing Center who didn't return my call. Swearing and screaming at the Royal Jubilee hospital staff who just acted like EVERYTHING WAS PEACHY KEEN. "He can go home tomorrow...Good luck with that."

Meanwhile I'm making notes on Steve's book. It's a happy distraction which I will share later.

I guess it was easier to deal with getting rid of us. No one sat down with me and said, "Well your husband had a VERY SEVERE HEART ATTACK and your life needs to change dramatically. Not just not eating butter. F that. More like, don't out in the wilderness (which we did). Carry a nitro spray (which we now have) and if you use it twice and need one one spray get 911 on the speed dial. That he is at extreme risk of a second attack because of the damage.

No no. It was La la la - don't worry be happy. No wonder I had a panic attack - precognitive and a part of me that wasn't being validated was screaming. PS. That and the rash disappeared after our third trip to the hospital. OK. I'm NOT CRAZY.

[Deleted]

Every body is different. I led a furiously active life..I trained and showed horses for many clients and we were pretty much in a different state each month..lots of gulped down meals at dennys..bed at one or two and up by five. I got so sick at one of these horse shows..I could not function..kept throwing up the whole weekend..really bad back pain. Went to the emergency room..they couldn't find a thing wrong. I guess I looked too healthy to check out my heart So..finally my older clients got the idea to retire and I didn't have enough left to keep up the pace..so I quit too. My husband got sick about that time (this was over ten years ago now) and I needed to take care of him with his diagnosis of COPD and Congestive Heart Failure. He retired to his chair..I took care of bills and appointments and the house..no big I was used to much much more. Started that night..was throwing up...bad back pain. Daughter took me to the emergency room...They were dousing me with every kind of medicine in the hospital I think..transferred me to another hospital..tried to clear my arteries but they couldn't...open heart surgery. Well..childbirth was worse..I did crash and die but you don't know that when you're asleep I had 3 arteries over 97 percent closed..one was a hundred..what did that mean to me? Nada..I didn't know. After the fact..the doctor talked to me about the parts of my heart now scarred. And mentioned a heart attack that I had had in the past..(horse show) and he could see the scarring. The by-pass machine can cause some short term memory loss..and of course lack of oxygen to the brain can and the anesthetic they use can Its so darn funny because my husband was jealous. He tells me 'they FIXED your heart..with surgery'. Shaking my head. Nothing comes without a price. I am as strong now as I was wayyyyyy back then..diabetes and stress had caused my problems. I do twice as much as I did..always pushing myself and I'm healthy as a horse..scars on my heart and all. Who else is going to take care of him?? My point is..he can come back from this IF he wants and needs to. Don't make things too easy Paulette because it's just as easy to let someone else do the work. I didn't have anyone to 'coddle' me and I was very needed. I hurt so bad some days I would sit by myself and pity cry. The day I got home from the hospital after the surgery my husband asked me for dinner Well after a fashion that's motivation. Let him know how much you need him and tell him to get his own darned dinner

[paulette]

Thanks Jokelly. I don't think he would say I'm coddling him. I do have to make the calls to follow-up because he doesn't remember what anyone told him (they think he will but he doesn't). We're still in the middle of it. Thank you thank you all for allowing me to vent here.

[Deleted]

This is a wonderful place for venting

[Deleted]

Yes, it is .

And I'm so glad, Paulette, to see you acknowledge your precog. You are a special lady .

Always remember we, including you (and Terry!) are here in this present time and alive for a reason. It sounds so dramatic, but it often keeps me sane. LOL

[Deleted]

That and the knowledge that I could wake up tomorrow and find my world entirely changed..prayers granted..a new direction to move in. That holds me together in dark times.

[sunbow]

I am sending along my blessings and telepathic images of better pathways...

Intend synchronicity and watch for guidance...

Every moment of life is precious and TV is one of the worst choices, even for someone with low energy. Even other inane activities (like playing cards or checkers) would be a step up, since they do not pollute the mind. TV bombards one with images of youth and a superhuman vigor, leaving people feeling their real lives are impotent. A humble simple old person life can be immensely rewarding if lived in the here and now.

[BLACK DOG]

Ever heard of "sleep walking"? Seems that I'm having problems going to sleep and once that happens, I have started "waking up", finding myself , not in bed, but in various places in my house, where I did not recall going to, such as waking up using the computer, yes, one can make perfect sense using it, remember nothing of it, cutting it off, and not waking up till ones head hits the keyboard, or being able to fix something to eat, leaving what was prepared, maybe half eaten or not eaten at all and recall doing none of it. Walking into walls is no fun nor tripping over various pieces of furniture, and suddenly waking up after one hits the floor, Pain is not funny neither are the possibility of breaking bones. Smoking has its own risks, which are sorta self defining, as in finding the remains of cigs, half smoked in several ash trays or waking up when one burns themselves and not recalling being up at all, not to mention even having smoked at all. Seems the neurologists I see am clueless as to how to deal with it and I do not like the notion of buying a specific length of rope or chain, plus locks and attaching part of to the bedpost that will allow me to go to the bathroom and no further. Just thought I note this as I woke up after about 2 hrs, sleep and can't go back to sleep and and thought I'd pass it along.

[Deleted]

Black dog..if you can manage it..put in some kind of camera system. What you're doing..could be dangerous if you decide to go on a walkabout.

[paulette]

Tethering yourself to the bedpost might not be such a bad experiment. Sleep walking can take you far far from your bed and home - people have driven, walked long distances, etc.

[Deleted]

Um, if you can't afford a camera, there are ways to trip one'sself up without resorting to chains . . .

In the meantime, try to discover why you've been sleep walking, how long you've been doing it, etc.

[Deleted]

All good advice and might keep you from waking up where you don't want to be

[Deleted]

I just now found this thread.

Paulette I'm sorry to read about your husband... Hugz

Like Jo said, it's hard to watch people be self destructive... I guess we all are though to varying degrees.

I hope things get to going better for you.

[Deleted]

Aug 22, 2014 22:17:46 GMT -6 paulette said:

Tethering yourself to the bedpost might not be such a bad experiment. Sleep walking can take you far far from your bed and home - people have driven, walked long distances, etc.

My ex fiancé threatened to duct tape me to the bed because of my sleepwalking problems... Lol...

Never did do it though. Hmm. I wonder if the nurses here at the hospital have seen me sleepwalking...

[sunbow]

IMO: Take some kind of action before you get hurt. Rope to the bed post or maybe a bell or alarm system. If you try the rope, perhaps around a wrist so you don't trip, consider it an experiment, not a long term solution.

Do you remember any dreams from the times you wake up?

The advice above about trying to see how long it has been happening makes sense. Perhaps some life change triggered it (even some new food before bed). Consider journalling the whole processes. It might end up being interesting in later years. You might discover something to help others.