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Post by swamprat on May 16, 2017 15:37:25 GMT -6
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Post by swamprat on May 21, 2017 10:07:49 GMT -6
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Post by swamprat on Jun 1, 2017 7:36:23 GMT -6
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Post by swamprat on Jun 24, 2017 19:35:17 GMT -6
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Post by lois on Jul 8, 2017 23:18:10 GMT -6
Breaking News.....This just in ! 9.25.13 VOL 49 ISSUE 39 World’s Insect Leaders Attend G20,000,000,000 Summit
The G20,000,000,000 summit in mid-session.
OTTAWA—A host of high-ranking insect leaders convened in Canada for the annual G20,000,000,000 summit Friday, addressing various challenges facing today’s insects and promoting stability among the global bug population.
The two-day conference, held this year in a secluded, heavily wooded area of the Ottawa National Forest, reportedly includes various insect representatives from North and South America, Europe, Asia, and Africa, as well as over 15,000 different species of beetles from Australia invited as non-member delegates.
“The decisions made at the G20,000,000,000 will greatly affect all 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 insects around the world,” said John Cavagnaro, chair of the International Society of Entomology. “This is where the most pressing issues for modern-day insects are tackled head-on, and it provides a forum for these powerful rulers to deliberate over diminishing nectar supplies, ways to achieve sustainable nest growth, and new forms of cross-pollination.”
“But perhaps its most vital function is to diffuse any tensions between colonies by opening up direct lines of communication through antennae and stridulation,” Cavagnaro added.
According to those present, the first day’s proceedings began with a discussion of efforts to combat worryingly high larval mortality rates in Africa, which then reportedly led to a joint proposal from various mosquito delegates advocating universal access to stagnant water. The insect representatives also reportedly voted down a controversial plan to ban flying toward big bright lights.
Tempers were said to later flare up as a coalition of bees, hornets, and yellow jackets vehemently opposed initiatives introduced by several influential wingless insects to reduce global swarming. All 20,000,000,000 parties, however, reportedly unanimously agreed upon tighter security measures for protecting insect queens, although leaders differed on which specific queen’s safety was of paramount importance.
Sources said there was then a brief intermission during which leaders frantically feasted on a dead mouse.
“As in past summits, one major point of debate is the ongoing threat of dangerous arachnid groups,” said Cavagnaro, adding that violence between the invertebrates continues on a daily basis. “Views are still largely divided—5,500,000,000 members are in favor of attacking the spiders, 7,000,000,000 have pushed for diplomatic resolutions, and the remaining 6,500,000,000 are staunchly refusing any engagement whatsoever out of fear of getting caught in webs and eaten.”
“There is growing optimism regarding potential peace talks,” Cavagnaro added. “That said, this bitter conflict dates back 400 million years, and very little headway has been made in that time.”
Originally known as the G8,000,000,000, the global conference was launched 51 million years ago to protect general insect interests in the wake of the tragic extinction of the Eorpidae scorpionfly. Among its founding members were black vine weevils, desert locusts, diamondback moths, and ladybugs, but the group has since reportedly grown to collectively account for roughly 90 percent of all animal lifeforms on earth.
Many within the general insect population, though, remain skeptical of the G20,000,000,000’s actual impact, claiming that rather than working toward effective policy changes, leaders often resort to secreting petty territorial pheromones.
G20,000,000,000 members have also come under fire over a perceived lack of action against pesticide, with critics accusing the leaders of ignoring the systematic extermination of millions of insects.
“The summit has been facing mounting pressure to take decisive steps to stop the widespread, indiscriminate gassing of wasp hives,” said Cavagnaro, adding that critics have frequently condemned the group for failing to prevent such atrocities and devoting far too much time to masticating plant leaves. “Meanwhile, countless worker ants occupying sidewalk cracks have been killed or displaced by mass floods of hose water, not to mention the thousands, perhaps even millions of ant hills destroyed in foot traffic every day.”
“Unless something is done soon, these crises will sadly be the burden of future generations of hymenopterans,” Cavagnaro added.
At press time, the G20,000,000,000 had abruptly concluded after a small bird flew overhead, causing all insect leaders to scatter. www.theonion.com/article/worlds-insect-leaders-attend-g20000000000-summit-34002 Cliff People up here are in fear of this tick invasion we are having. Are you having more ticks this year? My daughter talked me into getting my fishing license this year. It has been about six years since I had mine. Now this tick thing is keeping me at home. Some of the family was out camping this weekend . I told my two daughters to check the vehicles for tick when they got home. I was in one of the cars today. I felt like my skin was crawling with bugs. The lake they went to is always swarming with them as it is .
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Post by swamprat on Jul 23, 2017 8:45:07 GMT -6
Thomas Wheeler, CEO of the Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance Company, and his wife were driving along an interstate highway when he noticed that their car was low on gas. Wheeler got off the highway at the next exit and soon found a rundown gas station with just one gas pump. He asked the lone attendant to fill the tank and check the oil, then went for a little walk around the station to stretch his legs.
As he was returning to the car, he noticed that the attendant and his wife were engaged in an animated conversation. The conversation stopped as he paid the attendant. But as he was getting back into the car, he saw the attendant wave and heard him say, “It was great talking to you.”
As they drove out of the station, Wheeler asked his wife if she knew the man. She readily admitted she did. They had gone to high school together and had dated steadily for about a year.
“Boy, were you lucky that I came along,” bragged Wheeler. “If you had married him, you’d be the wife of a gas station attendant instead of the wife of a chief executive officer.”
“My dear,” replied his wife, ‘if I had married him, he’d be the chief executive officer, and you’d be the gas station attendant.”
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Post by swamprat on Jul 27, 2017 13:16:32 GMT -6
Hey, Mr. President! MASH had it right 45 years ago.
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Post by swamprat on Jul 31, 2017 8:55:13 GMT -6
Let me get this straight..... YOU think giving birth is tough?!
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Post by swamprat on Aug 22, 2017 13:18:14 GMT -6
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Post by swamprat on Aug 28, 2017 10:34:38 GMT -6
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Post by swamprat on Nov 12, 2017 13:50:39 GMT -6
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Post by swamprat on Nov 14, 2017 21:00:31 GMT -6
Forgive me. I couldn't resist.....
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Post by swamprat on Jan 1, 2018 15:38:11 GMT -6
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Post by swamprat on Jan 7, 2018 21:27:27 GMT -6
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s... out of all of you!'"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."
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Post by swamprat on Jan 10, 2018 9:57:19 GMT -6
Are we relying too much on our tablets and E-books?
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Post by auntym on Jan 13, 2018 14:25:00 GMT -6
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Post by swamprat on Jan 13, 2018 18:20:05 GMT -6
Fun With Words
"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as:
"you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish",
or "To write with a broken pencil is pointless."
An annual competition is held by the New York Times see who can create the best original lexophile.
Here are the submissions for 2017. (The winning submission is posted at the very end.)
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
…and the winner was:
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
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Post by swamprat on Jan 16, 2018 11:21:01 GMT -6
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Post by swamprat on Jan 18, 2018 18:44:34 GMT -6
A tour of America:
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Post by swamprat on Jan 22, 2018 10:13:28 GMT -6
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Post by swamprat on Jan 25, 2018 10:18:28 GMT -6
I actually will admit I used to enjoy watching this show. The original series ran from 1965 to 1980. Peter Marshall was the host. Cliff Arquette was frequently on, in-character as Charlie Weaver. He even got asked a question about Jackie Gleason's UFO sightings! Paul Lynde, Rose Marie, Marty Allen, Wally Cox, Buddy Hackett, George Gobel, Jonathan Winters, Don Knotts, Vincent Price, Foster Brooks, Joan Rivers--these comedians were often on.
Hollywood Squares Reminder!
FOR THOSE OF US OLD FOLKS WHO REMEMBER
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
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Post by swamprat on Feb 1, 2018 10:49:31 GMT -6
Must be watchin SOTU.....
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Post by swamprat on Feb 1, 2018 10:50:00 GMT -6
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Post by swamprat on Feb 4, 2018 18:23:03 GMT -6
Best if watched on full screen.
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Post by swamprat on Feb 6, 2018 20:50:28 GMT -6
Alarmingly, this is where we're headed... Too true to be funny.
ORDERING A PIZZA CALLER: Is this Rocco's Pizza? GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza. CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Rocco’s Pizza last month. CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? You know me? GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. CALLER: OK! That’s what I want… GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust? CALLER: What? I detest vegetables. GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir. CALLER: How the h*** do you know? GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol. GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago. CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement. CALLER: I paid in cash. GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. CALLER: I have other sources of cash. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law. CALLER: WHAT THE H***? GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you. CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me. GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…
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Post by swamprat on Feb 10, 2018 21:06:03 GMT -6
Sesame Street Bus
There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for elementary school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters from Sesame Street. So he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and the rest on the bus.
At his first stop, there was this very overweight little girl. He opened the door and said, “Hi, I’m the new bus driver. What is your name?” The girl said that her name was Pattie.
Waiting at the next stop was another overweight little girl. He said, “Hi, I’m the new bus driver. What is your name?” She said that her name was Pattie also.
At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said,
“Hi, I’m the new bus driver. What is your name?”
The woman piped up and said, “His name is Ross and he is my son.” She continued,
“He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him.”
The bus driver replied, “No problem. He can have this seat right behind me and I can watch him carefully in the mirror.”
At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, “Hi, I’m the new bus driver. What is your name?”
The little boy replied, “My name is Lester Cleese.” Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy.
Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.
The man replied:
“Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus.”
Source: fantasticjokes.net/sesame-street-bus/
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Post by swamprat on Feb 17, 2018 19:41:09 GMT -6
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Post by swamprat on Feb 22, 2018 18:51:23 GMT -6
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Post by swamprat on Mar 18, 2018 19:25:52 GMT -6
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Post by auntym on Mar 29, 2018 23:56:29 GMT -6
WOW...
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